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Topic: The Sunday Papers (Read 761 times) previous topic - next topic

The Sunday Papers
Treble Rout at Issar RuinsBall-less Giants sightedYawnfest at SeelieTesticularly-challenged Giants seen againReporter: Pushe Melly

Giant crotch

Dramatic scenes were witnessed in Wolflands last night. Rawr Gasm - just back from his role as Chief Rat Catcher - ordered the sieging of the totally defenceless hamlet of Issar Ruins. With only enough funds to afford one house for his citizens, we understand that Mr Goan Adds - the mayor of Issar - made a personal plea for protection to the region's ruler: Gott-Koenig Maejohl "He's Definitely Not Hitler" Legator.

In what can only be described as an act of utterly selfless, heroic amazingness, Gott-Kaiser Maejohl agreed to provide Mr Adds with the protection of the Godwin's Law alliance forces. Eye-witnesses have described the outpourings of love and devotion from the peoples of Dragonsmere as their great and heroic leader rode out at the head of the army.

Maejohl Legator, yesterday

Total wipe

Sadly, the massed armies of Dragonsmere were no match for the Giants in the first engagement. Survivors reported that Giants heavily outnumbered the valiant defenders by more than 3 to 1. Reports show that Giants' superior numbers made short work of Issar's defenders, throwing everything they had at them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry8YnHsS_iA&feature=youtu.be
Actual footage from the siege

Heroic return

Local sources say that the valiant defenders weren't put off by their first engagement. We understand that some have suggested this was a brilliant piece of war strategy on the part of Maejohl Legator, designed to lull the zerging Giants into a false sense of security.

Our insiders have told us that the God-Emperor took counsel from all present in a truly awe-inspiring display of democratic consultation. And that a lowly recruit - a Ms Notagain Swiftstep - suggested a fully mounted battlehorn charge into the enemy ranks.

 Maejohl "No Superlatives Can Come Close To Describing His Fantabulousness" Legator led his battle-hardened and heavily outnumbered forces into Giants' entrenched positions. By a colossal, truly mind-numbingly, not-even-Celiah-Ailey-would've-fucked-up-this-bad error of judgment Rawr Gasm had taken that precise moment to split his forces. Rawr Gasm is even reported to have said, "Oh boyo oh boyo, I done gone fuck that up reet good. I won't be able t' look me sheep in 'er eyes when I gets back 'ome."

The Dragonsmere forces pushed heavily into Giants unprotected flanks, forcing them quickly onto the back foot. The Giants fled west, trying to escape the rumbling warriors of the defence force. But it was to no avail. The Giants were quickly dispatched and the  siegestone was destroyed soon after.

Just Embarassing

A final attempt by the rallying Giants saw evidence of Rawr Gasm dwarven master planning once again. Local accounts suggest Gasm decided to attack the capital of Dragonsmere head on, running again and again headlong into the flame towers guarding the capital's northern flanks. Once again, the Giants were quickly mopped up by the locals.

Last night we were able to catch up with the dwarf to ask him why he'd chosen to send his forces in to be focussed by two flame towers. "Oh boyo, well we cross-heal reet well normally," Gasm said. "I dunno what happened but I think Finnad missed most of his heals. And I never could stand that New Bee fecker anyways. So I sent him in first."

Rawr Gasm at Dagnamyr, yesterday


Mayor Happy

Following the successful defence of the hamlet, local Mayor Goan Adds was today seen throwing a great feast in celebration of the Godwin's Alliance's supremely amazeballs victories. Mr Adds said he was very grateful for the divine intervention of Supreme Being Maejohl "There Can Be Only One" Legator. "Without Maejohl we would be nothing. We have him to thank for everything."

We approached Maejohl Legator for comment for this piece and were told "We outnumbered Giants by around 23 to 14. We wiped on the first push because we didn't properly engage. So we battlemount charged them a second time and that seemed to work."

But this reporter knows not to let the facts get in the way of a good story.

A very happy Mayor Goan Adds, earlier today

Seelie Sucked

Once again Giants showed they have absolutely no balls by single-handedly organising one of the biggest zergs this server has ever seen to take out a small force trying to regain its homeland at Seelie.

Outnumbered by more than 10 to 1, the few battle-weary troops led by the Old Timers Guild had hoped to be able to recapture their homeland by stealth and cunning play. But Rawr Gasm - fresh from his embarrassing arse-kicking by Maejohl "Luxalicious" Legator and friends - was having none of it.

Proving that having no balls whatsoever doesn't stop him from zerging it up, Gasm quickly wiped out the few Old Timers, knocking over their zimmer-frames left, right and centre. Old Timers' Supreme General Tolbin "Take Me Home, Country Roads" Senex commented "I don't know why people can't just leave us alone." He continued by saying that all he wanted "was some peaktime playtime. It's our second amendment right to bear arms. And Rawr Gasm and his Giants have set themselves up as Agon's Police Force - telling us what we can and can't do."

Even though he wasn't there and had nothing to do with the Seelie siege, we were contacted by Raap "I'm still here" Naap who commented "This is just another shocking and appalling display of large zergs stopping small independent clans from living on Agon. Giants' shocking and appalling actions are going to kill off all life as we know it if they continue. I am shocked and appalled."

This reporter has certainly noticed that Giants have been all talk and no balls recently. Rawr Gasm in particular is displaying a whole lot of mouth but no trousers. Will he be able to keep Giants happy despite having no balls to do anything in Agon?

Only time will tell.

A Giant with no balls, this afternoon

Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #1
I think we need a competing paper The Agon Chronicle to publish propaganda from the other side, so I can split the difference and know whats really happening.
Mycke Soulslayer - Supreme General: Rastalfarian - An all Alfar clan of all play styles in all time zones, welcoming new and vet players alike.

Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #2
Glad to see your channeling your real life autism in to something the community finds amusing, well written and 100% confirmed as correct.

CTRL+F Results:

Rawr = 10
Giants = 18

Not bad statistics.

EDIT: The above comes off as sarcastic, it's actually not fyi.
  • Last Edit: September 18, 2016, 09:57:38 pm by rawrgasm

I feel sorry for Jack he probably would log in and enjoy the game more if he didn't have you for a retarded friend and didn't ruin his ties with Epoch.

Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #3

Rawr Gasm at Dagnamyr, yesterday


I want this as a pet.

Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #4
Trump reference was a masterpiece.

Pullitzer Prize-worthy article.

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Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #5
Now that is some media I like to read, well written and very funny.

Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #6
Now that is some media I like to read, well written and very funny.

Me too was hoping it becomes at least a weekly..
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Ingame: Ori Ori

Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #7
Now that is some media I like to read, well written and very funny.

Me too was hoping it becomes at least a weekly..

Name something interesting that happened in game this week :(

Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #8
Now that is some media I like to read, well written and very funny.

Me too was hoping it becomes at least a weekly..

Name something interesting that happened in game this week :(

Something like Mori soloed the red dragon and continued to win CBay of Maehlol in a pokermatch? Hardly newsworthy as thats about my weekly routine.. :)

I was away all week so cant contribute much sadly.
  • Last Edit: September 26, 2016, 07:15:36 pm by Moritori
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Ingame: Ori Ori

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Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #9
Now that is some media I like to read, well written and very funny.

Me too was hoping it becomes at least a weekly..

Name something interesting that happened in game this week :(

Something like Mori soloed the red dragon and continued to win CBay of Maehlol in a pokermatch? Hardly newsworthy as thats about my weekly routine.. :)

I was away all week so cant contribute much sadly.
Does that mean you also lose CBay in a pokermatch with Maejohl every week? :P
Kjaetlan Bjornsen of Uprising

Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #10
Now that is some media I like to read, well written and very funny.

Me too was hoping it becomes at least a weekly..

Name something interesting that happened in game this week :(

Something like Mori soloed the red dragon and continued to win CBay of Maehlol in a pokermatch? Hardly newsworthy as thats about my weekly routine.. :)

I was away all week so cant contribute much sadly.
Does that mean you also lose CBay in a pokermatch with Maejohl every week? :P

No never but I must be loosing it somewhere as  I cant find it on our holdings list :/ Maybe Devs can correct this small mistake in holding distribution. I shall make a suggestion in that regard right away !
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Ingame: Ori Ori

Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #11
Whoever was doing these needs to start again.

  • Morad
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Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #12
Entertaining news article.

If not weekly, monthly would be a good read.

Re: The Sunday Papers
Reply #13
Quote
Will he be able to keep Giants happy despite having no balls to do anything in Agon?

Only time will tell.

This aged well, we never got any fights in the following 15 months that followed this post, thinking of it quite a disappointment.

I'm looking forward to being in a smaller clan with tonnes of better clans out there for PvP.

I feel sorry for Jack he probably would log in and enjoy the game more if he didn't have you for a retarded friend and didn't ruin his ties with Epoch.